Voices of the Forgotten
by b-mystique
Summary: Family wasn't about some kinship through blood or genes or even shared experiences.It could come in the form of a diverse group of individuals with dedication,loyalty, and undying support between them.But how many forgotten voices whispered in the halls?


**A/N:**_ I umm, I don't know where this one came from, somewhere personal perhaps. It doesn't feature "fan-favorites" (Ashley,_Jordan_,_**Elle)** _but__ I'd love to know what you think if you read it. Also, I hope the format isn't confusing.: )_

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><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> _CM is not mine. I can't even tell you how many times I wished it was over the past year alone. Unbetaed so all errors are mine._

~~~~~~~~~~_**Voices of the Forgotten**_~~~~~~~~~~~~

_She drops the flimsy cardboard box harboring her belongings on her bedroom floor and slumps onto her bed. She hadn't acquired much in her few months at the BAU, and that right there should have been a sign. She barely had a desk of her own. She took up as little space possible, scurrying about the outskirts of the core team, because she could sense that though she was welcomed she didn't quite fit in. The moment that a very alive Emily Prentiss walked through those bullpen doors only a month after freshly promoted S.S.A Jennifer Jareau, she knew her number was up. She should have been devastated at missing out on this great opportunity that she was beginning to enjoy. She was somewhat devastated, but she was happy too. Happy for this makeshift family that the team had seemed to form, happy that they got back the people they wanted. She was also relieved that she no longer had to feel as though she were on display, like she had to prove her worth, like she was being compared and always falling ridiculously short of whomever's shoes she inadvertently stepped into. She was happy, relieved and kind of..._

Content. She was content being back in Counter-terrorism. She thrived here amongst colleagues who had gradually become friends. She was unchallenged though. The overwhelming sense of redundancy in doing the same things over again, silently praying for a multitude of results didn't exactly excite her anymore. She was good at her job. Damn good at her job, and a damn fine agent...or so she told herself every morning, muttering her personal mantra as she walked through those doors. She wanted more though. She sat at her desk and thought wistfully of the BAU. She wasn't meant to be there long, not as their Communication Liaison anyway, but she was thinking about transferring and becoming a profiler. It gave her a rush, a challenge, one more thing to master. She was a perfectionist.

If she thinks back now, that might be in part why she always felt so distant around them. She didn't throw off warm vibes, not initially, but it wasn't personal, it was merely professional. Honestly, she felt defensive because she feared that if she didn't do the job exactly the way JJ did it she would seem like an incompetent screw-up. She wasn't wrong. She felt intimidated, because she never quite encountered a group of professionals so tightly bound together and she feared they wouldn't quite have room for her. She wasn't wrong about that either. She did warm up a little though, and tried to make subtle attempts at chipping away at the stone wall that the close-knit team cocooned themselves into. She was still hammering away when she felt herself break and she lost herself completely. Hotchner and Rossi thought it was the emotional turmoil of the case and her screwing up once again-and it was...somewhat, but there was no way she would tell them that it was mostly because she felt like an...

**Outsider. She was always a bit of an outsider. She never quite fit in with the girls, being the tomboy that she was, and she never quite fit in with the boys because,hell...she was a bit of a ball-buster. She embraced the hell out of it though. Not like she really had much of a choice. Her Mami always taught her to embrace who she was, there was no sense in going through life hating yourself when there would be plenty of people out there to do it for you. Though she was never particularly close with the tech-analyst, that was one of the many things she respected about Garcia. Clearly, the ostentatious female lived by a similar motto. Maybe that was why she hired a Penelope knockoff to help out at her P.I. Agency.**

** She hadn't decided if she liked her job yet. It had it's perks, but it was nothing like working for the BAU. That gave her an adrenaline rush, a sense of purpose, like she was truly doing good...like she mattered. That was until she blew the opportunity she fought for to hell. Quite literally. It also gave her great people to work with, but even there she didn't quite mesh with the others. They seemed to have this familial bond going and most days she felt more like the distant cousin twice removed. They tolerated her, but most days they didn't get her. It was the story of her life. What could she do about it? She couldn't change her personality.**

_She was shy and timid and God help her, it kept people at bay. She was..._

...cold and distant, but for what it's worth she warmed up eventually. She was...

**...brazen and blunt, but those who stuck around eventually seen that she was a good person. **

**She thought that her team seen that she was a good person. She thought they would remember all the good that she had done. She thought that they would fight for her to stay...rescue her from herself, protect her the way that teams and families protected their loved ones. She thought that they would miss her, remember her for the good things, hell, remember her for that one fated act that sealed her fate, but they don't. The one thing worse then being remembered for the one atrocious deed you've done is being forgotten altogether. She at least thought that they would not like her replacement more than her because nobody every likes the replacement...**

even if they're temporary..

_or not technically a replacement at all_.

On occasion she allows herself to think of that one fated day two years before. In the throes of her hysterical breakdown, in the lush grass of some strange lawn she felt herself being enveloped in strong arms. Rossi was always so kind to her. When she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks she couldn't help but wonder how he had managed. Somehow the latest addition to the tightest unit in the BAU had somehow managed to find an invisible crack in their near impenetrable shield and ease his way in effortlessly. He claimed an important role that cannot be stricken from them without leaving a huge void. He was a replacement. She sometimes thinks that maybe it was because he was so very different from his predecessor but she can't allow herself to accept that hypothesis because she was different from her predecessor too. Maybe Rossi was an anomaly.

**David Rossi's acceptance made sense. In those days when she feels wistful and nostalgic she digs up whatever she can about her former team. David Rossi's stepping in to fill in the void that Gideon left was a surprise but it definitely made sense. She knew that he would have been accepted in a reasonable amount of time. Lightening quick if her favorite skinny geek had anything to do with it (She could hear those damn statistics in her head now). His reputation proceeded him. He was one of the founding fathers of the BAU and with that came a level of prestige and respect that could not be denied. His confident bordering on arrogant air didn't make matters any worse. She sometimes chuckles at the irony of bringing in David Rossi. She thinks that from what she knows of him, she and he are a lot alike, but somehow that similar confident bravado only works when you're sporting a goatee,salt and pepper hair, and actual balls. David Rossi wouldn't have had to prove himself. He entered with knowledge that couldn't be bought, a history that couldn't be forged, and a Rolodex that takes a lifetime to acquire. David Rossi had friends in high and low places, and it's easier stepping into a position with a friend as team leader, a scorned mistress as the head chica in charge (one in which he most likely had wrapped around his finger), and a bunch of kids who came off as subordinates in comparison to him. Now they're his family and friends. **

**David Rossi she understood. She didn't however understand her replacement. Maybe she deluded herself into believing that it would be impossible to love her replacement more than her, because it hurt less to think of if that way. She didn't understand how Emily Prentiss slipped into the protective older sister role that she assumed she herself had a bit of a claim on, befriended her old partners and friends, befriended the colleagues she never got a chance to get close to herself. She didn't comprehend how Emily Prentiss earned their love, respect, and undying devotion. It didn't register to her how Emily Prentiss not only stepped into her shoes, but made them forget that she ever wore them to begin with.**

_She's young but she seen more then they thought she did, after all her eyes were the freshest. She was well versed in each member of the team before she step foot between those BAU doors. She found Emily to be the most interesting of them all. Prentiss grew up wearing masks and then later on she made a profession out of it. It was the only way to survive. Emily Prentiss wore many masks. On the outside no one would have ever known that Emily wasn't around nearly as long as the others. She rooted herself so firmly in the foundation of their team that most would have naturally assumed that she was there with Hotch, Reid, Morgan and Garcia at the beginning. Most people eventually learned the truth about Emily's longevity. But she may be the only one who knows how Emily pulled it off. She had trouble fitting into their little unit because she was herself. Emily fit in perfectly because she was somebody else. Emily spent most of her life being whomever and however people wanted her to be. A true social chameleon. She seen that in her from the beginning but the team may not have picked that up until right before Emily's untimely "end". It wasn't that Emily intentionally tried to be somebody else for the sake of the team, she's not even sure if Emily knows that she's doing it. It was just that Emily herself didn't know who she was anymore. So she overcompensated. She molded herself around the behaviors of others, and quickly became the best sister, daughter, friend, partner, and agent that she needed to be...that they needed her to be. And it worked. Emily did what she suspected no outsider could ever quite do. She solidified her place._

It wasn't so bad all of the time. They were nice enough, professional, and of course cordial. She's smart enough to know that they didn't deliberately make her feel like an outcast. They were more than kind when it called for it. She genuinely liked them all. She just never encountered a work environment where people relied on one another to such a degree. They were like a well-oiled machine, each and every one of them serving some function, and without one of them it just didn't work quite the same. She did what she could to work along with them but she malfunctioned. She was a spare piece with a ragged edge that didn't quite snap into place. With a little force she could have jammed herself in and worked. With a little time she could have won them all over...at least a little, except, maybe...Hotch.

**She never had Hotch,and she's smart enough to know that she never would have.**

_Hotch's distance and stoicism reminded her of her father and that was a demon she couldn't confront._

But when she was there, she definitely had Emily...and Rossi.

_She felt the most comfortable with Rossi...and Emily too._

**She had Morgan...and Reid.**

**Damn she missed them. Almost enough to actually admit it to them if she ever heard from either of them again. She was never one to do well with emotions. Especially any of the ones that lead to vulnerability. Truth be told she couldn't afford to be vulnerable. She sometimes wonders if that is why she was drawn to Morgan and Reid the most. Like her, Morgan didn't do vulnerable well...not nearly as well as he did anger. She kind of loved him for that, they were two peas in a same pod that way...in many ways. Reid was vulnerable but tried damn hard not to be. She understood that. She teased him mercilessly but she loved him immensely. Sometimes...sometimes looking back on those days it seemed as though he was the only one that ever really cared. They were polar opposites but both shared a common problem with making friends. She was too bold. He was too awkward, but somehow he managed to be her friend. He and Morgan both. When she isn't angry at them for not reaching out again...for not saving her when she needed saving the most. She hurts. She hurts because she knows damn well that they stayed true to fashion and blamed themselves when she left, felt as though they should have noticed more and done more, felt as if it was partly their fault. She hurts because unbeknownst to them, they were her family, even if she didn't quite fit into theirs. She hurts because she lost her mind, her job, and her two best friends in one swoop. She found herself again. She found a job again. She still hasn't found her family again. Was she ever theirs?**

**She screwed up...**

_She did nothing inherently wrong..._

She made a mistake or two.

She knows that, but she didn't quite understand the backlash behind it. She had heard things before...about the infamous Alpha BAU team with their league of super human agents. She knew that they were all flawed in more ways then one. She respected and admired it, figured that it was part of the charm to their team. It was part of the reason why they worked so gloriously. She knew that Morgan had a temper, mostly because he was so passionate about his job and other people that he couldn't contain it...especially when an injustice was done and wasn't being addressed. She knew that he was bordering on reckless, willing to throw himself in the line of fire and run towards the most unthinkably dangerous situations. She knew that any given day he would find himself in Hotch's office, nose to nose with the stern man with a clenched jaw and a glint of challenge in his eyes. And he was respected for that.

She knew that in any other situation the ever lovable, supremely intelligent Dr. Reid would be considered a liability. She knew that his shot was barely passable, he had a tendency of wandering off and that over the past few years he was inches away from being one of the victims they fought for, more times than normal. She knew that affable Garcia was one innuendo away from a sexual harassment seminar and one keystroke away from being a National Security risk. She knew that David Rossi wasn't always one to play by the rules and his cocky smirks wouldn't always save his ass. Emily at times rivaled Morgan with her passion, and was just as likely to not follow orders and JJ, the queen of blackmail, could spew syrupy sweet or threatening words to anyone who dared impede on their investigation all the while hiding behind bright blue eyes and a mischievous smile. Hotch's inflexibility and reluctance to play politics put him in the line of fire more than any other UC in the agency, and she seriously suspected he was one stressor away from a nervous breakdown...

And yet they were forgiven for any misdeeds. Rarely admonished or ridiculed, it was smoothed over and they went on without a hitch. And it was part of why she eagerly looked forward to working with them...because flaws and mistakes and all they worked, and she relished an opportunity where she could be less than perfect...be human. Now she wonders why her minor slip-ups were in a different minefield...why their flaws were taken with ease and her? Her flaws and mistakes were apocalyptic.

_Renewed._

_That is what she would convince herself to be. She gets to start fresh now. She has a rare, and privileged experience under her belt and it would certainly look good in her credentials. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and she would be eternally thankful for it. Not merely because she gained irreparable knowledge that would give her an edge amongst her colleagues and fellow cadets, but because even though she wasn't a part of it;she learned what a family was about. Her home life was less than ideal, a sham, an act, where she spent most days walking on edge with fear ebbing away at the recesses of her soul. She never knew what family was really like. For a long while she assumed that most of America lived lives along the lines of a sitcom quality with caricature smiles painted across cherubic faces. She thought only the select, and vastly unfortunate few were subjected to some of the horrors that she was exposed to. She was wrong. She was wrong on many accounts. Because families weren't about ducking in fear of the monster who bore you. And families weren't about sitting around a rounded table with unnatural smiles and matching clothes and solving the most complex of life's problems in thirty minutes or less. Family wasn't even about some kinship through blood or genes..._

or even shared experiences.

**Familia could come in the form of a diverse group of individuals with dedication, loyalty, and undying support between them.**

And even if she wasn't quite a part of it, she knew for sure that the BAU was a family. She appreciated the rare glimpse into how a team like theirs functioned and worked. It gave her something to seek out in the future. It gave her something to strive for. She didn't fit in there, she didn't leave a lasting impression and more or less she was forgotten the moment that plane landed and she walked in the other direction. She would love to convince herself otherwise, she could talk herself into many things...but being naïve wasn't one of them. But maybe, sometime in the future, she'd find her place somewhere and it'd be just like theirs. She could only hope...but hope never washed away the rejection, no matter how much they dueled. And hope very seldom took her very far. And hope, sometimes didn't didn't come quick enough or last long enough. Until then...

She needed a drink...preferably bourbon. Only the hard stuff would help her stop thinking.

_She needed a run...she wonders if she would have been less screwed up if she learned to run sooner._

**She needed an hour at the range.**

**In some ways she never learned her lesson, but she never feels more powerful than when she has her Glock in her hand and paper targets in her line of sight.****Only when she squeezes the trigger and guarantees that the large paper target won't be having any baby targets anytime soon, does she talk herself down. Talk herself into believing what she'd otherwise consider unbelievable. Maybe her mother died early on because God needed her more than she did. Maybe her father died because that's the only fate for heroes. Maybe she was all alone because she was one of the rare few strong enough to handle it.**

**Maybe she wasn't forgotten after all.**

**Maybe her limited time served at the BAU was to teach them something. Maybe tethered binds between the complicated individuals she formerly worked with were strong but not quite unbreakable at first. Maybe her mistakes...her mishaps and their subsequent and unintentional failure to relieve her is what drove them to be the tight unit that they were today. Maybe she needed to fall for them to rise up stronger. Maybe she was their mistake that they needed to learn from. She wasn't meant to fit snugly in with them, she was destined to stand out. She was a casualty of war for their greater good. Maybe she wasn't completely forgotten after all...maybe she left a lasting effect that served them well. **

**Maybe she should reload her gun and go for another round until she believes all of that.**

_Maybe she really did learn more from them than she realized._

_With the swishing of her blonde ponytail,the trickles of sweat running down her skin, and the rhythmic pace her feet set against the dark concrete, dead set on pounding out the never ending ruminations...she thinks for certain that she learned more from them than she thought. _

_She learned the inner workings of a team. She learned the intricate personalities, and the exact blend of what she would need to have the perfect team. It was almost a science in itself. She quickly assessed the necessary traits and the exact concoction that would blend up the ideal team that she would want to work with. And then she filed it away for the future. That wasn't something she was promised when she was approached, that was a lovely little bonus. Most of all she learned that even for people like her, sometimes you have to go out and make a family...and that one day, someday... she'll be able to make a family of her own._

_She only wished that she gave them something back. Granted she was taken on for alleged expertise but she had no doubts that they could have figured things out on their own, without her timid voice barely above a whisper and her ever dwindling confidence. Sure she had fresh eyes, and a young mind, and a novel perspective on things but she'd be kidding herself into believing that she actually could have made that work to her advantage while there. She wasn't dumb enough to believe that she actually served much of a purpose. She wasn't conceited enough to believe that she'd actually be missed. And she tried really hard to not be insecure enough to take that personally. She was used to being an outsider, she was used to standing out just enough to be noticed during that time, but not enough to be remembered beyond that. She took it for what it was...a very rare opportunity afforded to her that she would be eternally grateful for. Something that would most certainly give her an edge in the near future._

_As she panted into the night air and wiped tendrils of hair curling at her hairline from slick sweat, she couldn't help but think about others like her. With a unique team like that at the BAU, just how many ghosts lingered long after the people left? How many foot tracks were trodden over and worn down long after their owners abandoned them? How many lost souls became invisible long before they disappeared? Just how many forgotten voices whispered in the bustling halls? Pleading not to fall into oblivion._

~~~End~~~


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